6 Totally Normal Feelings to Have When Starting Therapy
Major Take-Aways:
Therapy is at its core an emotional experience, and when beginning in therapy, it’s perfectly normal to experience a range of emotions in response to the therapy itself
In this article, I summarize just six of the most common feelings that therapy may initially stir-up when getting started
My advice on how to deal with these feelings? Talk about them! Most effective therapists will welcome the invitation to process these feelings and will admire your courage for bringing them up!
What to expect when you’re expecting… to enter therapy.
Therapy is at its core an emotional experience, and one that can dredge up particular vulnerabilities and difficult feelings we otherwise tend to avoid. When beginning with a new therapist, especially as someone new to therapy, you may find yourself moving through a host of emotions— some pleasant and encouraging, others painful or more difficult. Whatever the case may be, the purpose of this article is to help you to anticipate some of these feelings and to provide some guidance on what to do with them.
Now, before jumping in, I want to first share a perspective on these feelings that may be helpful when responding to them.
First, it’s important to see these feelings as valid, normal, and common reactions to therapy. Many of us have been brought up to deny, dismiss, or minimize our feelings and for that reason may struggle to express difficult emotions. Especially in the context of our relationships, we may worry that such feelings will be deemed annoying, inconvenient, or excessive by others, leading us to shrink ourselves and tuck our feelings away. Therapy is a space to learn a new way of experiencing emotions, and effective therapists will welcome and appreciate this expressivity.
Second, you’re allowed to have strong reactions not only in therapy but toward your therapist too; in fact, more often than not, that’s a part of the healing process at some point in the journey! For example, if you’ve experienced interpersonal trauma that now makes it difficult to trust others, it would make sense that this might apply to your therapist as well. Healing from that trauma might mean being able to experience that distrust, to talk about it, and to persist in therapy anyway, slowly beginning to learn to trust again in what is an otherwise contained and safe place to take that risk. An effective therapist will know how to hold and work with these feelings in a non-defensive manner and should see their therapeutic value.
Third, it may be hard to differentiate what feelings are specific to this therapist, what feelings result from your own background, and what feelings are some combination of both— and that’s okay. As I mentioned previously, if you find yourself commonly distrusting of others, then the distrust emerging in therapy may have little to do with your specific therapist. It can be helpful while working this out to suspend any blame for your feelings, at least initially, and invite your therapist into these feelings with a nonjudgmental curiosity. Your therapist can then collaborate with you on better understanding these feelings and their origins, and, when appropriate, effective therapists will take responsibility for their part in activating them. However, if you’re working with a therapist who is actively unhelpful, consistently missing the mark on your experience, or engaged in egregiously unethical behaviors, these feelings may be signaling you to find someone new.
Lastly, my biggest piece of advice when moving through these feelings is to talk about them with your therapist. I know that likely sounds like an intimidating or scary thing to do, and you’ve probably come to believe that therapy is strictly about discussing your concerns outside of the room rather than those emerging within it. However, with how common these feelings can be, most effective therapists are prepared to process them and will welcome any feedback you may have. I personally feel excitement, pride, and joy when a client takes the courageous step to share their reactions to therapy with me! I value these moments of insight immensely. While we as therapists are especially well-equipped to intuit and empathize with your feelings, we are not mind-readers and at the end-of-the-day rely on you to invite us into your world.
Okay, so you’re prepared to normalize and validate your feelings; you’re prepared to engage them with a nonjudgmental curiosity; and you’re bracing to share these feelings with your therapist, should they arise. So then, what exactly might you expect to feel?
1. Nervousness or anxiety
This feeling is first on the list because it is by far the most common reaction to therapy. The fact is that many newcomers to therapy have little insight into what to expect from the process, and that sort of ambiguity can be a breeding ground for anxiety. Our culture, families, and media only make that worse by misrepresenting therapy in harmful ways. And, if you’re somebody entering therapy because you struggle with anxiety, social anxiety, perfectionism, or related concerns, you may find yourself especially on-edge as these show-up in the therapeutic space.
Many people find that this nervousness dissipates or at least reduces in intensity within a few sessions, as you begin to get a clearer sense for your therapist and discover that they are, in fact, not all that threatening. Therapy at its best is a nonjudgmental, warm, and welcoming space, and getting acquainted with it will go a long way in soothing your concerns. This does not mean that you won’t feel any residual anxiety, especially if you commonly experience anxiety in your day-to-day life. But it should become more tolerable, and other feelings like joy and accomplishment will help to balance it out.
2. Relief
For many of us, simply getting started with a therapist is the greatest challenge of all, not only from a psychological perspective but from a logistical one. Getting a foot in the door can be incredibly challenging, and it’s normal to enter therapy with all manner of worries, concerns, and fears. What you may experience, however, is simply relief— relief that it’s not quite so bad after all and that your therapist is actually a pretty chill dude.
Relief will likely continue to come in waves well-beyond the beginning of therapy. For example, you may begin to feel relief that you no longer have to carry your burdens alone— that there’s someone well-qualified to support you with your concerns. You may feel relief as your symptoms begin to reduce, your mood lifts, or your relationships improve. And you may simply let out a sigh of relief that for as messed-up as you had worried you were, you’re actually going to be okay. Cue exhale.
3. Sadness
It is not uncommon for feelings of sadness to be a primary motivator for seeking therapy, and connecting with that sadness more openly in therapy can mean digging up more of it. Experiencing sadness is an important part of healing from it, so don’t be discouraged if you notice yourself feeling even sadder initially. This may simply be a sign that your defenses are lowering and that you’re connecting with a more intense sadness that has likely been with you all along. If ever that sadness becomes so intense that you consider harming or killing yourself, you’ll want to let your therapist know immediately so they can work with you to keep you safe.
Some clients may be surprised to experience sadness as they progress in therapy. In fact, it’s not uncommon that as clients begin to “get better,” sadness may come a-knockin’. This is often a normal reaction to therapy. For example, as you begin living a happier life, you may begin to feel sadness or to mourn the time you spent hurting. You may begin to notice new, yet unaddressed issues resurface now that you have the bandwidth to address them, and these too may bring feelings of sadness. Whatever the case may be, sadness can somewhat counterintuitively be an important marker of progress in therapy and is one worth discussing with your therapist.
4. Surprise (and maybe even disappointment)
This feeling often goes hand-in-glove with nervousness and anxiety, but don’t be surprised if when beginning in therapy you experience… surprise. Many of us enter therapy for the first time with a number of preconceived notions about it, most often based on dramatizations of therapy in media or misrepresentations of therapy in our families and society. You’ll likely be surprised to find that therapy is much less scary than you may be anticipating, and that it can even feel good much of the time! You may also be surprised that your therapist is not a stuffy old man desperate to diagnose you but instead a grounded, down-to-earth, and compassionate person who simply wants to help you to see what’s possible. We’re actually quite human (at least most of the time)!
Though more uncommon, that surprise may also veer into feelings of disappointment. While some of us enter therapy with preconceived notions of how scary it’ll be, others enter with exaggerated expectations of how quickly and how sweepingly it’ll transform their lives. They may expect an all-powerful therapist to come in and Marie Kondo their lives, or they may genuinely want someone to take responsibility for directing their decision-making. The fact is that therapy is more commonly a deliberate, gradual process that requires your investment and a fair amount of hard work to bear fruit. Yes, you will likely feel some fairly immediate relief as you get started, but the real work may take some time, and at the end of the day you will continue to be the steward and expert of your own life. For some this is a disappointing reality to confront, but the alternative of taking responsibility and beginning to live an empowered life is well-worth moving through the initial letdown.
5. Confusion (and maybe even suspicion)
Who is this person asking me all of these questions? Why won’t they give me more advice or tell me what to do? Will this really help? If you’re new to therapy, you may initially feel a bit confused about what to expect from the experience. It’s not uncommon to feel a bit ambivalent about therapy at first, and it can take a few weeks before you begin to feel a real rhythm to the experience. You may even find yourself getting defensive or feeling suspicious about your therapist’s approach to therapy or questioning whether to trust them with your vulnerabilities.
While all of this is normal, you’ll probably want to tune into these feelings if they persist beyond the first few weeks. If you notice any particularly egregious behaviors from your therapist like acting in an inappropriate or unethical way, you may want to discontinue therapy with them and find a new therapist. Otherwise, as with any feelings in therapy, I’d simply encourage you to share these with your therapist and ask any questions about their approach to treatment or their philosophy that might help you to feel better. Getting some answers may help you to better understand why your therapist is taking a particular approach and help you feel more comfortable “buying in,” even if it’s still a bit confusing.
6. Joy and accomplishment
Many of the feelings I’ve described previously are likely ones you’re not exactly eager to sign-up for. Who really wants more sadness, anxiety, or disappointment in their lives? The prospect of beginning therapy is intimidating enough as is, and it takes quite a bit of courage to get going. The promise, of course, is that sitting with those difficult feelings is an investment in what can otherwise be a really wonderful, life-altering experience. And the joy that comes with witnessing that change is quite unlike any other.
While it may take some time before you begin to notice significant changes, they’re likely to begin near immediately:
Maybe you’ll feel just a touch lighter, more hopeful and optimistic, less worried or stressed.
Maybe you’ll notice your mood lift, feeling less sadness, less often.
Maybe you’ll continue to experience stress in your life, but look forward to the opportunity each week to work through those stressors and cultivate new skills for coping with them.
Maybe you’ll find yourself with a new reserve for risk-taking in your relationships and notice a deepening in them.
Maybe that pestering voice in your head will show up less often, or you’ll at least have new tools for speaking back to or silencing him.
Maybe it’ll take a little less energy to get out of bed and meet the day.
Whatever the case may be, it’s likely you’ll begin to notice these accomplishments, and your therapist will begin to point them out to you as well. Make no mistake— joy and accomplishment are still vulnerable emotions, and for those of us who for example have rarely felt happy, been taught to shrink ourselves, or struggle with perfectionism, those feelings may themselves be accompanied by suspicion, guilt, fear, or sadness. We’re complicated creatures! I nonetheless hope you’ll share in that joy with your therapist, take stock of and celebrate your accomplishments, and allow yourself to truly reap the reward of your diligence and determination. For as challenging as therapy can be, this is the promise of your hard work.
Therapy is worth the emotional risk.
At the end of the day, therapy is a wonderful investment of your time, energy, and emotional resources. Though it doesn’t come without its fair share of complicated feelings, it is simply well-worth the emotional risk it entails.
The reality is that you may feel an infinite many feelings when starting in therapy and this list of six of the most common feelings is by no means exhaustive. Some feelings like sadness and anxiety will be tough to confront, but those very feelings may just be the means by which you access the ones you entered therapy for in the first place. The promise is a life of greater fulfillment, joy, and more meaningful relationships. What’s better than that?
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